July 2023 Part 5: Lessons In Friendship

Over the years, I've often wondered why making and keeping friends is so hard. Some people seem to have such an easy time of it, but I don't think I'm one of those people. I'm no stranger to being bullied, ignored, excluded, or made to feel like the only reason people are nice to be is because they're supposed to be nice. Growing up in a strong religious community, I was usually invited to things, but not really included in them once I arrived. I've struggled with this same problem here with my calling in Young Women's where it became pretty clear that the other leaders seemed to respect me, but didn't really include me in their friendship circles. It's been a tough pill to swallow, but I've learned how to cope with these kinds of things. I know how to deal with mean girls, fake girls, and nice girls who really don't want to be my friend but feel obligated to be nice. 

I can deal with all this.

But nobody taught me what I'm supposed to do when this kind of nonsense comes out of left field, aimed at my sweet, kind daughter. 

Rachel has several girls around the neighborhood that she likes to hang out with. There are three in particular that have formed their own little posse that Rachel likes to hang with, but since they were established before we moved in, sometimes she's struggled to be a part of their group, and she's felt it keenly when they've intentionally excluded her. She likes spending time with them all individually, but has found it is harder when they're all in a group. 

Over the summer, Bianca was in Sweden, and Rachel spent nearly everyday with either Holland or Lily. When Holland was on vacation, Rachel and Lily were as thick as thieves, staying out late together every single night. So when Lily taped this note on our door, it came completely out of the blue. Thankfully, I had just dropped Rachel off at dance when it arrived, and I had a few hours to stew over it until she got home. 

"Dear Rachel,

We just want to have a group of three so we're not friends anymore. It was all of our idea so don't come to my house. We just want to have a group of three. 

From Lily. Sorry we're not friends anymore. "

I was so angry when I read this. It was so out of left field, and to come from Lily, who has never been mean to Rachel was a blow indeed. Holland had just gotten back that day, and I couldn't help but think that it was more her doing than Lily's. I wanted to go Mama Bear on those girls! I stewed. I called my mom. I called Brian. I was so grateful Rachel was at dance and so happily unaware of what her friend had just delivered to her. What were we to do? We can see each one of these girls' houses from our house; it's not like we were going to be able to get away from them. We couldn't move again. I don't generally think that stepping in to solve my kids' problems is the way to go, but if Rachel ever writes a note like this, I'd want to know. So, I finally decided to involve their moms. 

I sent a text to all the moms with a picture of the note. I made several drafts that went back and forth to Brian before I finally sent it to my neighbors. I basically told them that I know that their little friend group was already established before we moved in, and I absolutely am not expecting their daughters to play with her. I said that I recognized that sometimes Rachel can be hard to play with because she gets so excited about her ideas of how playing should go that she's not always good at accepting other ideas, and thus can be a little overbearing. I told them, however, that she doesn't deserve to have notes like this posted to her door. I made sure to let them know how much we love their daughters and enjoy having them at our house. 

And then we waited nervously to see what happened.

I picked Rachel up from dance, and she was so excited to see Lily outside. "Can I go play with Lily?" She excitedly asked, and as I gave Lily the stink eye as we drove past (I was still mad; not my best moment), I told Rachel that I didn't think playing with Lily was a good idea. She was so understandably confused, and I had to tell her about the note, but I didn't want her to read it. Eventually, I ended up letting her read it, and thankfully by that point, she wasn't as upset about it as she would have been without me buffering the whole thing. 

She was sad, and confused, and her sweet brothers really stepped up to be there for her. 

I was amazed by the responses from the parents. They were appalled! They all agreed that this sort of thing wasn't okay. Lily's parents were especially upset, and I found myself rushing to defend her--that she's never been unkind before, and I knew this note was out of character for her. They were scratching their heads as well because Rachel had been at their house with Lily the night before, and the two of them were just giggling away. Bianca's mom arranged for a Facetime chat from Sweden. Holland wrote an apology and brought over treats. Lily and her parents came over to apologize in person, and Lily and Rachel ended up playing together that same night. 

I told Rachel that this could be an opportunity to make these friendships stronger, and I was pleased to see that it had. Holland and Rachel were able to clear up misunderstandings, and the rest of the summer was one big friendship fest. And weirdly enough, I'm almost grateful to Lily for the note. We learned a lot about forgiveness, friendship, and how those two things often go hand in hand. 

Speaking of friendships, our good friends, Michael and Kristina, moved back to Utah. Michael has finally finished medical school, residency, and his fellowship, and he took his first job as a retina specialist in Murray. We were so excited to help them move. We thought this moving box of theirs was pretty funny. 

Unfortunately, that's the only picture we took while helping them move in. We even celebrated Michael's birthday, and all we have to remember this blessed occasion is this box. 

For those that don't remember, Michael was one of Brian's roommates from Freshman year, and again after their missions. Michael was also my good friend from freshman year as well. He married Kristina the August before Brian and I got married, and Michael and Kristina are the kinds of people that lift everyone around them. I always walk away from time spent with them wanting to be a better person. They are the kind of friends that I want to be, and we're both beyond happy and grateful to have them nearby again.

I will probably never be a super popular person, or the life of the party. I will probably still struggle in social settings the rest of my life, but I feel incredibly blessed for the close friends that I do have. I treasure them, love them, and hope that somehow, I can bless their lives the way they have blessed mine. I've often said that I don't need to have a big group of casual friends; just a few strong friends in my corner, and I have more than a few. Thank you to all my friends who continue to give me grace, who forgive me when I say dumb things or am neglectful. Thank you for supporting, loving, and building me over the years.