A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Happily Ever After

When I was in third grade, my favorite baby-sitter married one of my favorite uncles. She was 18, almost 19, and that's when I decided that I wanted to get married at the ripe old age of 18, have kids, and live happily ever after. There were a few variations to this theme, mostly that the age changed a few times.  Long story short, I felt impressed to go on a mission, came home, discovered that that kid from freshman year was the love of my life, finished college, married him, had a baby right off, bought a house, and started into the happily ever after part of the plan.

 

Now, I'm not saying that I'm not living happily ever after, because I think, for the most part, I am. But a funny thing happened along the way. So far, it's ran into a couple of hitches, one in September and one just a few weeks ago. My baby is 2 years old and counting, and there is no little sibling yet. We went to the dry cleaners last week (the same day that I went into the doctor for my two-week follow-up miscarriage appointment), and the lady there kept talking to Michael and saying how cute he is. I was so happy that he was behaving so well, and smiled at her praise of him, despite feeling quite melancholy, when she said, "Oh, I bet you want a little brother or sister to play with, don't you? You want a little brother? Yeah, you want a little brother." Honestly, I was kind of embarrassed for her more than I was hurt, but her question emphasizes that my life isn't going according to plan.

I've been obsessing over having another baby since July, waiting for those tell-tale signs of pregnancy. Two happy days. Two times of celebrating and planning and hoping followed by two sessions of devastation. So, after six months, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of buying clothes that I can wear now and can wear into the first stages of pregnancy. I'm tired of making plans according to which trimester I might be in if I got pregnant this month. I'm sick of taking Tylenol instead of Ibuprofen just in case. So, to copy a friend, I'm setting some new goals. (She calls hers her baby bucket list--things she wants to do before she has a baby). I feel like I need to focus on things that will make me happy, not in a selfish way, but in a healthy, no-one's-happy-if-mom-ain't-happy kind of way. In some ways, it's just a coping strategy, but whatever. I hope to continue these even after I have another baby, if that is in the cards down the line.

So here's what I'm focusing on:

1. Gardening. Those who know me know that I have a black thumb. I'm trying to fix that. I'm learning about gardening, what to plant, when to plant it, how to plant it. I've designed planter boxes to go on our patio so we can plant some good stuff this summer. I may be taking a class at Thanksgiving Point next month. 
2. Last week, I applied to go to grad school here: 

It's enough to make a Cougar shiver in her boots, but they're the only ones around with the program I'm interested in. So, now we'll see if I get in. I'd been planning on applying, but wasn't sure how I would do it with a newborn. I'm not worrying about that anymore. I figure I can get in at least two full semesters, starting in May. I don't have all the details sorted, and I may not even get in, but here's the goal. If I don't get in, I'll be taking some fun classes like photography or a dance class instead.

    3. Two words: 

Okay, so this isn't a goal, but this is where we're going for the Saville Family Vacation next August. We weren't sure if we were going to make it since that was when this last baby was due. Now, we can go. Not too bad of a consolation prize.

  4. On a related note:

August 10 in Salt Lake City

  5. Even though we haven't saved as much as we wanted to, it is time.

Here's our new car. We should be able to go pick her up tonight or tomorrow, whenever they finish fixing the clutch. Yup, she's a manual, so my new goal is to re-learn how to drive stick. (This isn't an actual picture of our car, but it looks just like it).

Other things in the works: Re-finish the twin bed down stairs and put it in Michael's room, work on new quilt for Michael's new bed, refinish some dressers, lose weight/get in shape, mixbook, and spend more time reading and playing with Michael.

Three Years and Counting

January 10, 2012 marked our third wedding anniversary! Despite all the sadness we were carrying with us, we were determined to have a good day. We went to IHOP for brunch with our 2-year-old, and we were planning to go to Park City right after, but after our brunch, we decided that we were both too pooped to go. Brian had caught a nasty cold, and I had a little bit of it too, plus some lingering aches and weaknesses from so much blood loss. So, we went home and spent the remainder of the day on our sofa. We finished our Lord of the Rings marathon that we started on New Years Eve and looked through our wedding album and guest book. And of course, we had to take our traditional anniversary pictures:

 A friend of ours texted us that night to let us know that our dorms from freshman year would be coming down soon to make room for bigger, newer residence halls. She said that they already had the fence around them. So, after Michael woke up from his nap the next day, we decided to make a trip to Provo to take a picture at the spot we met. We'd visited it many times, but for some reason, we don't have a picture there. Apparently, only Kimball Hall, my dorm, was coming down. They had the fence mostly around it. Despite the "No Trespassing" signs, we flagged a student down to take our picture by the tree where we met on the lawn just outside Kimball Hall:

Here's the spot where we met back in 2003. 

 The view facing Kimball Hall. the windows on the top floor are the windows to my old apartment. The bigger windows belong to the kitchen/living area. The smaller ones belong to Kathryn and Allison's old room. I wish that I had gone to the front so that you could see Nat and my old bedroom window.

 Brian and his roommates walked me up those stairs many nights. It is so strange that they're going to tear it down!

 Here's Brian and Michael in front of Gates Hall. The top story windows are from Brian's old Apartment. If I remember right, T.J. and Scott's room is the smaller windows that you see there. And those parking spots that you see? Yeah, I parked in all of them at one time or another. Obviously not all at the same time. That would have been rude.

Here's the back side of Kimball with a shot of what the new residence hall looks like. I have to admit, the new ones look really cool, but I'm sad that they're tearing down Kimball Hall, and from the sounds of it, all the old Heritage Halls buildings. At least we got a picture before they came down. 

On Saturday, we went to Park City to the outlets. I needed to get out of Salt Lake and Utah counties, and I wanted new clothes. So, Brian took me. Can I just say that I love new clothes? Thanks, Honey! We saw this little playground and figured that Michael needed a reward for putting up with two sad parents for the last little while, so we let him play for a little bit before we headed back home.

 After we got home and had dinner, Brian decided that his reward was to make a computer. So, he hired a little assistant and went though the computer graveyard downstairs. It was so cute hearing the two of these guys working together. Michael got his tools to help. I had to get a picture, but it just didn't do the situation justice. Brian became Michael's favorite parent after this. (Seriously, he got hurt and instead of being content with me holding him, he just cried, "Daddy!!")

So what did I do while they were playing with computer parts? I made a sign for our Primary class in photoshop. It took me way too long, but it was really nice to not have my two-year-old assistant hanging around. 

Brian, thanks for three great years of marriage, almost four years of romance and companionship, and eight and a half years of friendship! You make me so happy. With all our trials and sadness, especially of late, I'm so happy that I have you to be my side through it all. You are my best friend. If I had to do it all over again, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't change a thing. 

Our Sad House

I don't like letting on that things aren't going well--at least not until after they're good again. This blog is no exception. Back when we were living in our tiny, slightly ugly, cinder-apartment, I had friends with beautiful houses comment, "Man, you make me wish I lived in a cinder-block apartment." That made me laugh, but it kind of sums things up. I don't like talking about problems with too many people until I'm able to laugh at them.

Well, today, I'm not going to put a positive spin on things. It's not that I'm not optimistic that things will be better, or that I really think that things are really bleak right now. I just feel like this is one of those times when life hands you lemons, and it is inappropriate to make lemonade with them.

A week ago today, we went in for our first ultrasound with our baby, and although I was eight weeks along, the baby measured at 6.2 weeks, and they couldn't make out a heartbeat. We knew going in that that might very well be the case, but the final confirmation was still pretty rough. Then, an hour after coming home, Brian received news that his really good friend from high school had suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. Ready for an understatement? It was a terrible day.

Long story short, Brian flew out to Kansas for the funeral. He left Saturday afternoon and returned late, late Monday night. So, we suffered together, but a thousand or so miles apart.

The rose Brian got me before heading to Kansas

Our metaphorical skies have been really bleak. I can't recall a time I have felt more alone or abandoned. But, I want to say a few thank yous to the people who have let in a little sunshine in our lives.

First, I want to thank our next door neighbors, Zak and Sam. As soon as they found out, they offered to bring us dinner. Though they said it wasn't much, it was so nice to have one less thing to worry about. On Monday, Sam called me up to see if Michael could come over and play with her daughter for a couple of hours. She fed him dinner and kept him until it was time for him to go to bed.

I want to say thanks to Lea, who upon hearing our bad news, immediately offered to just come and take Michael the next morning. I wasn't ready for solitude yet, so she just came and hung out in our sad house. She shed some tears when Brian broke down after booking his flight. She did my dishes and swept my floor. She also invited me over to be with her on Sunday for dinner. She fed me and dished Michael's plate too. It was a small thing, but it meant a lot to me. I'm so glad that she's my SIL!

Next, I want to say Thank you to Chelsea. She drove down from Ogden on Saturday night to be with me in case I needed to go to the ER. She provided a lot of emotional support and peace of mind by being with me. She hung out with Michael the next morning so that I could get a much needed nap. Thank you, Thomas, for letting her come.

Also, I would like to thank our good friends, the Brintons. I texted Natalie on Sunday to let her know what had happened, and she told me that she knew I wouldn't ask for help, so she decided, along with her husband, that they were bringing me dinner. They basically said, "Our thoughts and prayers are with you, but we want our food to be with you too." They brought soup on Monday, the last night that Brian was gone. They left a reserve in the car in case I was up for company. I was. They ate soup with me, brought me a flower, and then stayed to watch some funny shows. They left me with a prayer before driving back home to  their cinder-block apartment in Provo.

Gerber Daisy from the Brintons

On Monday, I was feeling really abandoned and alone. In the midst of my sadness and anger, I started getting lots of phone calls. My neighbor across the street, Kim, called and said, "What can I do for you?" I hate asking for help, but I was at the end of my rope, and tearfully said, "Oh, my laundry is stacked, my house is a mess..." She came right over, bringing her 12-year-old daughter with her. I sat on the couch, weak and ill, and watched as she did my dishes, cleaned my kitchen, picked up Michael's toys, sorted and started my massive laundry, and helped me fold clothes. She offered dinner, but I told her dinner was already on the way. When I thanked her, all she said was, "It was no big deal." But it was a HUGE deal to me.

Thank you to both sets of parents. Mom Saville texted Brian right before his flight to let him know that she had rented a car for him to use while he was in Kansas. Dad S. picked Brian up from the airport. He also listened to my very angry account of how things were going. When I apologized for sounding so mad, he just said, "You have a right to be angry. My love for you is bigger than your anger." All four parents have been so supportive in calls, prayers, and understanding. My dad has called to check in on me every single day, and my mom offered her shoulder for crying, even though it had to be over the phone.

Thank you for everyone who has been praying for us, especially from our siblings. We have felt them sustaining us each day. I'm especially grateful for my SIL Jenny calling and letting me vent a little to her.

Thanks for the wave of calls from our friends. Your care and concern means so much.  I'm grateful for the anonymous neighbor who left a plate of brownies on our doorstep. We're grateful for all the texts, emails, and comments on Facebook. Thank you to the Stallings for teaching our Sunbeam class on Sunday. I'm also grateful for Brian's boss, Sean, for being so understanding these last few days and not allowing Brian to work yesterday.

Flowers from my dear friend Chelsi

So, while we're still sad, We feel so blessed to have so many amazing people watching out for us. This has been really lousy, and I feel like I'm in for a long road of healing, but I also feel confident that I'll get there eventually. The Lord is helping us get through one day at a time. Hopefully it won't be too much longer before our sad house is a sunny house again.

Happy New Year!

On Christmas Eve, I wished that I had made cherry pastry like my grandma does every year. So, I made it on New Year's Eve instead. Michael eagerly helped me.

 Here's Michael stirring the glaze for the pastry. 

 Since Brian doesn't like pastry, I used half the dough to make pastry and the other half, he made into rolls. All of us were happy. Michael made that tiny roll in the picture:

Here's Michael's roll that he made

 and he really enjoyed it. 

 We did an early countdown so that Michael could be a part of the festivities. We busted out the sparkling cider that the title company gave us when we closed on our house and toasted the new year. I was even brave and let Michael have a glass goblet. Thankfully, he didn't break it.

We're grateful that 2011 was such a good year and hope that things in 2012 will be awesome too! Happy New Year, y'all!

Fun with Family and Friends

Even though we didn't travel anywhere for Christmas this year, it still felt like we were constantly making big plans to meet up with family and friends who were in town for Christmas vacation. We got to spend a lot of time with Ben, Jenny, and Tyler, which was awesome. They came to see our house, we played a game, talked a lot, went out to dinner, watched a movie, and had an impromptu sleepover. The next morning, we had pancakes and played another game. It was so fun to be able to just hang out with Ben and Jenny. That has NEVER happened before. 

 Here's Tyler showing off the castle he made with his mom. My dad made these blocks for Michael for Christmas. We were going to make him blocks, but when we guessed that my dad had made these, we decided to forget about making some too. Good thing since his blocks could beat up any we would have made!

 Michael modeling his castle...well, our castle.

Brian got me a manicure/pedicure for Christmas. He go the deal on Living Socials, so after I opened it, he said, "You better call; that deal's going to expire really soon." Apparently he bought it back in September. Good thing that I did because it turned out that the spa was closing. I made an appointment for the very last day they were open, and Lea came with me.

It really has been too long since I had one of these, and it was SO nice. Thanks for going with me Lea!

Our trip to the spa fell on the last day that Ben and Jenny would be hanging out with the Savilles, so we squeezed in one final excursion with the whole crew to the Children's Museum at the Gateway Mall in Salt Lake. The kids had a blast! Thanks Lea for giving us your extra tickets!!

 Apparently, after Michael saw that he could play in the water freely, he gave up on everything else.

 We finally got him to check out some more stuff, like this horse

 and this car. 

 This exchange was hilarious. I should have taken a video. Hunter is the cashier, and he's making it super hard for Cole to pay for his groceries. Apparently, Cole can't afford what he's buying. Who knew that could happen in an imaginary world?

 Michael with random kids in the helicopter. Apparently, he had a blast.

 Hugging Tyler goodbye. After the hug, Michael was freely passing out kisses.

All the Saville Grand-sons minus one. 

 Ben, Brian, and Lea: three of the original 5. 

After the Children's Museum, we headed to Sandy to meet up with our friends, Michael and Kristina and meet baby Lydia! Michael's mom kindly made us dinner, which was excellent. She also made this amazing hot fudge sauce for ice cream. SO good. Brian even had some, going for seconds and thirds. He even had it plain, which is saying something about how good it was because Brian doesn't like Chocolate that much.  Thankfully, our Michael went right to sleep on an extra bed so that we could stay later and play games. We had so much fun with Michael and Kristina!

We didn't remember to get our traditional Michael Michael picture until we were leaving. Little Michael was trying to be asleep and didn't appreciate having lights flashing in his face. Oh well. We got our picture :-)

I also got to see my good friend Natalie over the holiday. It was a quick visit, but I got to show her my house and get a hug. I'll take what I can get, even if it is only an hour.

Thanks to everyone for a wonderful Christmas week! To our friends and family living far away, know that our thoughts were with you. We miss you and hope that you had a great holiday season!