Saturday Night Dance Party

Michael LOVES to dance. He's been my Zumba buddy for the awesome Zumba class our friend puts on at the church on Tuesdays and Thursdays. So, on Saturday when Michael kept asking to dance, we put on some music and had a dance party. We're considering making it a tradition. Feel free to stop on by and throw your hands in the air!

Work Out Buddy

Michael likes to do whatever we are doing, including working out. Here he is with Brian doing some leg lifts.

 This is from a week ago. Michael is trying to copy Brian working out on the Wii. 

Lost in a Government Building

February 16, 5:10 p.m.Michael and I go to the post office to mail a package to our favorite missionary before rushing off to deposit some checks. 

5:30 p.m. Post Office closes

5:45 p.m. After successfully depositing checks, meeting up with Brian, and heading to a place to grab a bite to eat, Michael calls from the back, "I want Monkey!" Panic hits when I remember that the last time I remember seeing Monkey was when Michael and I walked into the Post Office. Start to panic.

5:46 p.m. Call Brian to see if he can swing by the post office (he was behind me on the road).

6:01 p.m. Talk to Brian and discover that no one was at the Post Office.

Rest of night: Worry about little purple sock monkey that is Michael's favorite toy and basically a part of the family. Poor Monkey stuck alone in a cold, quiet government building.

February 17, 2012, 8:15 a.m. Call Post Office. Clerk answers, finds Monkey, places behind counter for pick-up. 

9:00 a.m. Michael and Monkey are reunited. I breathe a huge sigh of relief. 

Valentine's Day

We had a pretty chill Valentine's Day this year. Brian and I think it is slightly ridiculous that someone determined there should be a day dedicated to be romantic. Maybe that goes back to my single days... Anyway, we offered--actually kind of insisted--to watch our next door neighbor's daughter so they could go on a date. We tried to just have fun with the holiday, instead of taking it too seriously:

 It was an excuse to buy Michael a new book to go with his Jingle dog. 

 And, we decided to throw random stuff around the house into our presents to each other. Here's a slipper and a travel toothpaste/toothbrush pack. Brian forgot/didn't have time to do it for me, but we both got a kick out of him opening my present.

We made pancakes and dyed the batter pink:

 Brian tried to make a heart shape:

 And I couldn't resist making the eggs pink too:

 Brian's second heart attempt was perfect:

 Eva waiting patiently at the table for dinner.

 Digging in. Thankfully, we had two pink plates, and these awesome pink placemats, courtesy of one of my favorite mission companions, Joanna Joslin.

 Our crew at dinner:

 The African violets Brian got for me. I asked for flowers in a pot. Here's hoping that I don't kill them!

I hope that everyone had a great Valentine's Day!

A Wedding and a Castle

My parents came into town for a wedding last weekend. It was a short visit, just overnight, but we were happy to see them. We played in the park, went to an odd wedding, at at Zupas, and talked. The next morning, before church, my dad brought out the blocks and started building a castle on our kitchen island with Michael. My mom soon joined in on the fun. 

Ta-da!

Now, thanks to my dad, Michael keeps telling me that he needs to go to I(d)aho. Thanks for coming to see us! 

Legit

Brian got his Master's Diploma in the mail a few weeks back. 

 And then last week, his thesis arrived:

That's right, he's Legit' folks. He's bona fide. Maybe after the Pomp and Circumstance in April, I'll actually believe that he's done with school.

Our Happy House

Here are a few random pictures from our camera. It's time for a post about the happy things in our life. 

Michael can peel a cutie all by himself. He doesn't even need anyone to start it for him. He learned by observing me do it. He carefully watches everything I do, and sometimes that scares me. He gets locked in his room while I take a shower in the mornings because I'm worried about getting out and finding him on a stool in front of the stove cooking his own mac & cheese--literally--stove on and water in the pan. Where does he get this stubborn independence from? Certainly not his mom! (can you hear the sarcasm?)

Santa brought Michael bubbles for Christmas, and he loves them! 

 Every so often, Lea, Danny, and Skyler drop in to see us. We love it when Lea drives Hunter's carpool because she comes more. On one such day, Lea and I were in the living room when the silence became pretty apparent. I went in to check to see what kind of trouble they were getting into in the office and I caught them red-handed....doing nothing but being cute!

Occasionally, we get Cole too. They love playing the games on our Wii fit. Here's Danny doing the Obstacle course, with Cole behind, serving as Coach, and Michael on his board playing along. 

 Brian's company party was in January instead of December. They did a Luau themed talent show party thing. Last year, we didn't win anything, but this year we got this crazy fancy sled. We were just happy to win something...and to have a catered meal without Michael! Thanks for watching him, Lea!

 Our favorite Monkeys out for a joy ride. 

 I've been on a card game kick, and Brian has been good enough to humor me. After some Nerts and Speed, Brian taught me "Egyptian Rat Screw", which I grew up calling War, but with some Slap Jack twists. You slap doubles and sandwiches. Our slapping started getting pretty aggressive until we both slapped and immediately drew our hands away, both proclaiming, quite loudly, "OUCH!!"

 My fingernail connected with his finger/hand. My nail got bent backward, and part of his flesh got ripped out. We were ridiculously less aggressive after that. We laughed more that night than we had in awhile, and it felt really good.

And since we've had some rough days in there, we had to buy ice cream. And we had to share with Michael. And of course he got an ice cream goatee. And we HAD to take a picture!

 We've also loved being a two car family. Here is our two car garage being used as it should be, with our new Elantra. I'm really rusty at driving stick, so we've done a few practice drives in our hilly neighborhood. Michael loved this, especially since my lack of skills/confidence meant a really bumpy ride as I tried to shift into first. He was giggling in the back the whole time. Don't worry, I've just about got it back. Michael calls this the "Gray car", and he loves going for rides. We have two car seats now too, so there is no switching the seat out when we switch cars. It's been such a fun blessing.

 On Superbowl Sunday, Brian got an itch to have someone over for dinner, but since we don't ever watch the Superbowl, or any other sports really, we felt kind of like a Jewish family trying to invite someone over for a dinner party on Christmas. After several calls, we were able to get our friends Jared and Bailee to come from Provo for dinner. It had been awhile since we had them over, and it was great to see them.

The stairs and the basement are Michael's playground. He can play by himself for hours down there.

 Speaking of Michael playing, check out the missionary driving the pilot, with Noah's wife in the bucket of the fire truck. They must have been on splits, because later, I found the two elders together in the cab with Noah's wife in the bucket. And while I was finishing up this post, Michael kept pointing at this picture, saying, "Ethan's in firetruck." Apparently this Elder is Ethan. Ethan, why are you on splits with a pilot in a firetruck?

One thing is for sure, with Michael around, things are never boring. Either my feet are big, or his are still super tiny.

Kansas and What I Know

I've been meaning to write this post for almost a month now.  Sorry if it's very long...I have a lot to say today.  At the beginning of January when everything else was happening with the miscarriage, my girlfriend in high school, Lyndsay Jo Hendrixson (Chisolm now), passed away very unexpectedly.  I say girlfriend in high school, but I think that I should clarify that I dated her for almost 3 years, even into college.  She wasn't LDS, but we shared the same values and belief in the same God, and especially in Jesus.  I went to BYU, she went to TCU, and the distance was just too much for us and we broke up.  I haven't ever regretted the mutual decision (hers at first) to break up, as I felt like I was able to start living my own life, find a few things out for myself, serve a mission for my church for 2 years in Vegas, and eventually meet my beautiful wife and start our happily ever after together.  But I always wanted Lyndsay Jo to meet Michael and Devri; I always wanted to see and talk to her again.  

The last time we spoke in person was right after I got home from my mission.  We met at Subway if I remember right and talked for almost 2 hours or something.  Things were different, of course, as we didn't have those romantic feelings for each other anymore, but we absolutely still had our friendship.  At the funeral someone mentioned that Lyndsay Jo always had a talent for making you feel like there was no time lost at all, even if you hadn't seen each other in a long time, and I absolutely agree with that.

I've been procrastinating this post because I guess I have been still trying to run away a little bit from the fact that she's gone from this life.  Last night, however, I was looking through a book that the family made for my mom when my granddaddy (her dad) passed away, and I started thinking about death and people I've known, and I knew I should finally write this post.  

No one knows what happened to Lyndsay Jo, it was just her time to go (at least that's the last I heard when I was in Kansas).  I received a phone call from her mom on January 4th.  She told me that Lyndsay Jo had passed, and I just could not believe it at all.  She was less than a year older than me, so it's an understatement she was taken early and too young from our understanding.  I originally did not want to fly out to funeral because I just thought it would hurt so much, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized I needed some kind of closure.  I flew out that Saturday night for the viewing on Sunday and the funeral on that Monday, and flew home Monday night.  It was a very short trip, I would like to say it was fun, but it wasn't.  It definitely will never be on my list of favorite trips I've taken... it was fun to see my friends and those I miss from high school, but the whole reason I was there was not happy.

One happy thing is that I did get to talk to Lindsey Brown and Kali Pope, two of my absolute best friends from high school, on Sunday afternoon.  I saw Lindsey's husband again (boyfriend when I met him) and their child, and saw their new house.  It was great to spend time with them again after so long.  Although we've all changed a lot, some things don't change, and I loved seeing them and spending time with them.  We all agreed (I think) that we should get together in Utah next time at my house...

Lindsey, me, and Kali

I think the viewing for Lyndsay Jo was the hardest for me.  I remember seeing my grandma in the casket at her viewing and being very sad, but she was much older and had been sick and it felt like it was her time to go.  This was much different.  As I went up and saw her, her mom (busy greeting a line of 20 people) immediately grabbed me and said, "There's my boy, there's my boy".  Her family was such a big part of my life for so long - they were my second family, so it was very good to see them.  I just looked at her in the casket with tears streaming down my face and had the distinct thought that her spirit was no longer there in that body.  It may have been there at the viewing, and I would like to think she was there for most the time I was, but it definitely was not in her body anymore.  I spoke with Jamie, her best friend, for a little bit.  I talked to Lyndsay Jo's brother, Caleb, and shared some good memories with him.  I saw a lot of my friends from high school who I spent a lot of time with.  It was a very hard night for me.  Even though I hadn't seen her for 5 years, that didn't change the fact I still cared for her very much and will miss her a lot.  Even as I got into the car to go back to the Hoyos's (who so graciously offered their home for me to stay in), I broke down sobbing in the car.

The next morning at the funeral I felt a little more composed instead of breaking down every 5 minutes like I did the day before, but still very "tender" I guess you could say.  Someone asked me the other day if it was a "celebration" funeral rejoicing in her life, or a "sad" one lamenting her loss.  I couldn't say - yes, absolutely it was sad.  No one was happy to be there; no one was happy that her life was cut so short.  But still, it was a celebration of her life and many good memories were shared.  As I sat listening to memories from her life, I grabbed a pencil and paper from the pew and began writing down my memories of her.  I just wanted to share some of them, hopefully you don't mind...

We were drum majors together for the marching band my junior year and her senior year, so we got to take a trip to Nebraska for a drum major training camp.  Our teacher was great and we thought he was awesome, but the flag teacher annoyed all of us and had a very haughty attitude.  Our teacher told us that every time she was around, you could just buzz (like a bee buzzing) and imagine a razor just shaving off all of her hair.  So we always shared that thoughout the rest of high school... every time someone was really getting on our nerves, we would buzz and laugh with each other about the image of them without hair.

She would often go cross-eyed and stick out her tongue, especially if you were attempting to be serious.  I can't even begin to count the amount of mischievous looks she had all the time.  That came up during the funeral as well - she always had the ability to be serious when it was needed and to always act very mischievously when it wasn't.  She would talk incessantly about Taco Johns (a fast food place) and Fazolis.  When we finally found one of them in Kansas City or somewhere and went to it, I remember not being too impressed, and she just said it came from all of her memories of it.  I still think of her anytime I hear Taco Johns or Fazolis.

I remember that when my grandma died in high school, Lyndsay Jo just gave me a big hug and said she was so sorry. She didn't try to tell me it would be ok or anything like that, she just mourned with me.  She was very good about knowing what other people needed and always making sure that others know that they were loved.

I have many memories of her telling her mom that she was the "apple of my eye" (said with a little bit of Texan drawl).  I can't remember clearly, but I think she did it to get a little rise out of her mom.  She didn't like being called that or something.  She would always say it and then laugh (mischievously of course).

I mostly remember her little mannerisms, some of which I picked up myself unconsciously and still do on occasion.  Whenever she just wanted to act completely ridiculous (which was pretty often), she started walking on her heels with her toes high in the air.  I don't know why she did it, but it always made me laugh.  She would also dance and sometimes sing a little tune while she was eating.  At the funeral, everyone mentioned that and it was a big theme throughout the whole thing - "She made us dance".  That was Lyndsay Jo, and in some ways I think the dancing while eating and dancing at all other times really personified who she was.  She really made you want to dance, and laugh at yourself while you were doing it.

I had the opportunity over that weekend to stay after the viewing and the funeral and just have some alone with her parents and family.  I spoke with Matt (Lyndsay Jo's husband) for awhile on Monday as well.  He really was a great guy - he'd have to be to get Lyndsay Jo.  He just said something like, "It's not the way that you picture meeting your wife's ex-boyfriend"... and I completely agreed.  He made me very happy to hear that Lyndsay Jo had looked at pictures of Michael on Facebook (sadly we don't have many on there - they're all on here) often and commented on how cute he was.  I really just wanted her to meet him and Devri.  I spent a lot of time with Lyndsay Jo's dad just talking about things and catching up.  I spent quite a bit of time with her mom as well and just mourning with her.  

They are very religious and committed to their faith, and I'm very glad that they have that to fall back on.  I wanted to say a lot of things that I never did, so I thought I might just say them here.  They all know (Lyndsay Jo especially) how strongly I feel about my church, but I'm not sure I ever told them why.  It is at times like these that I am most grateful for my beliefs.  I know that Lyndsay Jo's spirit still lives.  She is somewhere else, waiting for us, waiting to see her family again, and likely just as busy there as she was here.  I know that someday her body will be perfected and  rejoin her spirit to become one again.  Just as Christ was risen from the dead, so will she (1 Corinthians 15:19-22).  I will see her again. Her parents will see her again, her husband will see her again.  And I also know that the sealing power given to Peter and lost after the death of the Apostles has been restored to men again, the sealing power that can bind marriages and the ties between the generations together not just for this life (till death do us part), but for all eternity.  I don't just think this because that is what is taught in my church... I have prayed myself and have felt the power that is in it.  I know for myself that it is true.

I gave Lyndsay Jo a Book of Mormon when she went to college my senior year of high school, and she told me she had read through 2 Nephi somewhere, but I didn't know what to do from there at all.  What I've always wanted to say is that book has changed my life.  I read it, I prayed about it, and I have received an answer for myself that it is the word of God.  Lyndsay Jo always commented on how she was so fascinated at how everyone has different ways of approaching the same God.  Along those lines - the Book of Mormon testifies of Christ just as the Bible does.  It is a second witness that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God.  I wish I had shown and taught Lyndsay Jo better about what I actually believed and shown her why it was important to me, and I don't ever want to say that I missed the same opportunity to share it with any of my friends or family.  I share my sentiments with Paul today in his epistle to the Romans: I am not ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ (Romans 1:16).  I know it is true, and I want every person who read this very long post to know it for themselves.

http://mormon.org/faith/

But If Not

I really feel the pain and suffering we experience through life's trials are the price we pay to know God. This last trial we've been going through around here is no exception. While we are still struggling a little bit--and most likely will for a little while--we're doing pretty well. I just wanted to share a few thoughts before closing this subject on this blog.

1. I have faith that the Lord knows what is best for our little family. The purpose of this life is to prove to ourselves and the Lord that come what may, we will still trust Him and remain faithful to Him. Just before Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego were thrust into the fiery furnace by King Nebuchadnezzar because they refused to bow down to his gods, they faithfully told him, "If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not...we will not serve thy gods"  (Dan 3:17-18). Elder Dennis Simmons of the Seventy gave an amazing talk revolving around this story in the April 2004 General Conference which you can read here. They knew that the Lord had the power to save them, but even if He didn't, they were willing to be faithful to Him, even in the face of an awful death. I know the Lord has power to bless me with more children in the future, but if He doesn't, I will still trust Him. 
2. Sometimes, despite all of our faith and trust in the Lord, He will still answer our righteous desires with "No." In the first General Conference address that Elder Richard G. Scott, one of the apostles, gave following the death of his wife, he said that "It is hard to understand why our exercise of deep and sincere faith from an obedient life does not bring the desired result," and then he goes on to talk about why we have trials and what it means to trust the Lord. I've wondered and puzzled over why infertility and miscarriage is so commonplace, especially when one of the first commandments the Lord ever gave was to "multiply and replenish the earth." I found Elder Scott's talk very comforting. Elder Scott said, "Your willingness to accept the will of the Father will not change what in His wisdom He has chosen to do." I've heard people say, not necessarily to me, that if we have enough faith, the Lord will give us those things that we righteously want. Someone told a friend of mine that if she had enough faith, she would be blessed with a baby. Another friend felt great disappointment when she lost a baby despite all the faith, fasting, and prayers of her loved ones on her behalf. I'm not saying that we all won't receive what we desire eventually--as in the next life perhaps--but I think it is unfair to say something like that.  Sometimes, the Lord who knows and loves us best, says "no" so that we can grow. Our faith lies not in the "I know the Lord can do this" but in the "but if He doesn't." And these heart-wrenching trials give us the opportunity to prove to ourselves and to Him that no matter what He requires of us, we will give it to Him. Even if that means those children that we want so badly. Or that perfect timing I cooked up in my brain with my limited perspective. 
3. Related to that, I would feel unworthy to meet such amazing people as Abraham and Joseph Smith (to say nothing of the Savior) if I wasn't required to spend a little time in a fiery furnace. I want to be able to know, as did Abraham, that I was willing to give up that thing that mattered most to me for the Lord. I don't want to be like the rich young ruler who couldn't give up what was most precious to him. That's scary, because I don't want to lose Brian or Michael or any more babies, but for whatever reason, the Lord took this baby back, and as a result, I have more compassion, more empathy, and more love for my Savior who has been helping me heal. Without Him, I am nothing. I'm just one step closer to being like my heroes because of this loss. 
4. I am SO grateful for my blessings, especially my sweet son, Michael. If I never have any more children, I still have him, which is more than so many righteous women can say. I appreciate him more. What a treasure! I hope no one has to experience this kind of loss to appreciate the children that they have. He is our delight, our ray of sunshine. Despite the ache in my heart, I feel so richly blessed, more so than I could ever deserve. I have a wonderful, loving husband, amazing parents and in-laws, supportive and loving siblings who would take a bullet for me, a stellar son, a beautiful home, loyal friends, and a good education. And, the Lord keeps blessing me with more opportunities than I imagined for myself. He's SO good to me.
5. This life is so fleeting. I'm grateful for another reminder about what really matters. Usually, I've heard people say this in reference to family, but lately, I've realized that what really matters is our relationship with the Lord and His children. We can find happiness in this life and exaltation in the next regardless of whether or not we get married or how many children, if any, we have. The purpose of this life is to find out if, come what may, we will love and serve the Lord, relying wholly on His grace to save us. 

Thanks again for everyone's prayers, phone calls, notes, flowers, comments, and especially love. Although I still have a lot of healing to go, I feel at peace about this. I'm so grateful for my Savior, who has been holding onto us and helping us to keep moving forward.

**I've heard from a lot of my friends, "I don't know what to say". Miscarriage, for some reason, is a really taboo topic. I don't know what to say either, but I do better understand what it means "to mourn with those that mourn" (see Mosiah 18). Sometimes, just mourning with someone is enough. I think we jump too quickly to the comfort part, or at least the fix it part. Sometimes, things just can't be fixed. Thank you to all those that have mourned with me. When someone experiences a loss like this, one of the best things to say is, "I'm sorry. That's hard. I'm sad with you". I also appreciated hearing/reading, "You're in my prayers",  "We're thinking of you," or simply, "Hugs." 


Also, please share your good news of babies with me. Understand that I may feel a slight pain, especially if you're due in May or August, BUT, I still want to know and be happy with you. Feel free to share your pregnancy woes with me (not here, on my blog, but in person or via texting, facebook, or email). I've been pregnant before, and it's no picnic, so I understand if you complain. Just because someone is having what may be considered a much worse trial, it doesn't take away from the fact that you're having a trial too. And if it is too much for me to take, I will let you know.