But If Not

I really feel the pain and suffering we experience through life's trials are the price we pay to know God. This last trial we've been going through around here is no exception. While we are still struggling a little bit--and most likely will for a little while--we're doing pretty well. I just wanted to share a few thoughts before closing this subject on this blog.

1. I have faith that the Lord knows what is best for our little family. The purpose of this life is to prove to ourselves and the Lord that come what may, we will still trust Him and remain faithful to Him. Just before Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego were thrust into the fiery furnace by King Nebuchadnezzar because they refused to bow down to his gods, they faithfully told him, "If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not...we will not serve thy gods"  (Dan 3:17-18). Elder Dennis Simmons of the Seventy gave an amazing talk revolving around this story in the April 2004 General Conference which you can read here. They knew that the Lord had the power to save them, but even if He didn't, they were willing to be faithful to Him, even in the face of an awful death. I know the Lord has power to bless me with more children in the future, but if He doesn't, I will still trust Him. 
2. Sometimes, despite all of our faith and trust in the Lord, He will still answer our righteous desires with "No." In the first General Conference address that Elder Richard G. Scott, one of the apostles, gave following the death of his wife, he said that "It is hard to understand why our exercise of deep and sincere faith from an obedient life does not bring the desired result," and then he goes on to talk about why we have trials and what it means to trust the Lord. I've wondered and puzzled over why infertility and miscarriage is so commonplace, especially when one of the first commandments the Lord ever gave was to "multiply and replenish the earth." I found Elder Scott's talk very comforting. Elder Scott said, "Your willingness to accept the will of the Father will not change what in His wisdom He has chosen to do." I've heard people say, not necessarily to me, that if we have enough faith, the Lord will give us those things that we righteously want. Someone told a friend of mine that if she had enough faith, she would be blessed with a baby. Another friend felt great disappointment when she lost a baby despite all the faith, fasting, and prayers of her loved ones on her behalf. I'm not saying that we all won't receive what we desire eventually--as in the next life perhaps--but I think it is unfair to say something like that.  Sometimes, the Lord who knows and loves us best, says "no" so that we can grow. Our faith lies not in the "I know the Lord can do this" but in the "but if He doesn't." And these heart-wrenching trials give us the opportunity to prove to ourselves and to Him that no matter what He requires of us, we will give it to Him. Even if that means those children that we want so badly. Or that perfect timing I cooked up in my brain with my limited perspective. 
3. Related to that, I would feel unworthy to meet such amazing people as Abraham and Joseph Smith (to say nothing of the Savior) if I wasn't required to spend a little time in a fiery furnace. I want to be able to know, as did Abraham, that I was willing to give up that thing that mattered most to me for the Lord. I don't want to be like the rich young ruler who couldn't give up what was most precious to him. That's scary, because I don't want to lose Brian or Michael or any more babies, but for whatever reason, the Lord took this baby back, and as a result, I have more compassion, more empathy, and more love for my Savior who has been helping me heal. Without Him, I am nothing. I'm just one step closer to being like my heroes because of this loss. 
4. I am SO grateful for my blessings, especially my sweet son, Michael. If I never have any more children, I still have him, which is more than so many righteous women can say. I appreciate him more. What a treasure! I hope no one has to experience this kind of loss to appreciate the children that they have. He is our delight, our ray of sunshine. Despite the ache in my heart, I feel so richly blessed, more so than I could ever deserve. I have a wonderful, loving husband, amazing parents and in-laws, supportive and loving siblings who would take a bullet for me, a stellar son, a beautiful home, loyal friends, and a good education. And, the Lord keeps blessing me with more opportunities than I imagined for myself. He's SO good to me.
5. This life is so fleeting. I'm grateful for another reminder about what really matters. Usually, I've heard people say this in reference to family, but lately, I've realized that what really matters is our relationship with the Lord and His children. We can find happiness in this life and exaltation in the next regardless of whether or not we get married or how many children, if any, we have. The purpose of this life is to find out if, come what may, we will love and serve the Lord, relying wholly on His grace to save us. 

Thanks again for everyone's prayers, phone calls, notes, flowers, comments, and especially love. Although I still have a lot of healing to go, I feel at peace about this. I'm so grateful for my Savior, who has been holding onto us and helping us to keep moving forward.

**I've heard from a lot of my friends, "I don't know what to say". Miscarriage, for some reason, is a really taboo topic. I don't know what to say either, but I do better understand what it means "to mourn with those that mourn" (see Mosiah 18). Sometimes, just mourning with someone is enough. I think we jump too quickly to the comfort part, or at least the fix it part. Sometimes, things just can't be fixed. Thank you to all those that have mourned with me. When someone experiences a loss like this, one of the best things to say is, "I'm sorry. That's hard. I'm sad with you". I also appreciated hearing/reading, "You're in my prayers",  "We're thinking of you," or simply, "Hugs." 


Also, please share your good news of babies with me. Understand that I may feel a slight pain, especially if you're due in May or August, BUT, I still want to know and be happy with you. Feel free to share your pregnancy woes with me (not here, on my blog, but in person or via texting, facebook, or email). I've been pregnant before, and it's no picnic, so I understand if you complain. Just because someone is having what may be considered a much worse trial, it doesn't take away from the fact that you're having a trial too. And if it is too much for me to take, I will let you know.