Three things.
1- Just after Rachel was born, the doctor put her on my belly for about thirty seconds. Then, they took her, cleaned her up, and decided that she needed to undergo a few tests due to her quick and slightly dramatic birth. Just before taking her to the nursery, they brought her back to my side to let me see her again. All I could think of was, "Oh no, she looks just like me." Now before the pep talks and reassurances about my beauty start, let me explain. Like nearly all women, I have TONS of insecurities about my appearance, and my personality flaws. Mostly, I'm pretty confident, but there are a few things I struggle with. Like my skin that refuses to tan. Like my thighs that will always be big, no matter how many pounds I shed. And I realized that, more than likely, my beautiful daughter just inherited all the things that I don't like about myself. And I have to get over my insecurities or she'll inherit those as well. Kind of scary.
2-About a month ago or more, I had Rachel on my lap, facing me, and she started having a cute little conversation with me. I encouraged her to tell me more, and she obliged, filling me in with coos and gurgles. And as I was basking in that blissful moment, my mind hit fast forward, and I saw the two of us, years later, engaged in a deep conversation. She was in high school, and she was seeking advice, just like I did with my mom, and she expected me to have it. Present-day-me started to freak out a little bit. How would I ever know enough? How can I ever be wise enough? How can I ever be to her what my mom is to me?
3-I'm nervous about raising a girl in a world that is getting progressively less moral. My hope lies in the belief that the Lord would send His precious children here now without arming them with the necessary tools. The fact that one of those tools is me makes me a little bit nervous. I guess He armed me for this as well, right?
I had a conversation with my grandma while she was working on Rachel's blessing dress. She had a boy first, and then a girl--my mom. (She had five other kids after my mom, fyi). She said that while she loved her boy, there was just a special feeling with a girl. She said that maybe it was because she had empathy for her, knowing all the things that she would have to go through in her life. I have to agree with her on that one. While we love, love, LOVE our Michael, there is just something special about this girl of ours. So special that it kind of freaks me out that I'm her mom.
Mostly, though, I'm just enjoying the hairbands, bows, ribbons, frills, dresses, accessories, and joys of having a little girl around the house.
4 comments:
The world is scary. Just love her. No matter what. And let her know. If she knows that, it will be okay.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who has distinctly separate feelings about raising a boy and raising girls. I've gone through the same feelings of fear in wondering how I will ever help my daughters navigate this scary world and empathy in knowing how unfortunate it is that all girls have to go through Junior High. That being said, after two girls our little boy has been slightly terrifying to me. Raising girls feels like "just teach them to hold on through all that is hard!" and raising a boy feels like "teach them to be MEN. Real GOOD men." Uh, what?! How do I do that?!
With the spirit. That's how.
Gosh, I hadn't even worried about that stuff yet. I'm hoping Julia will just be a perfect little teenager. That's possible, right? Right?!?!?!
And I loved meeting beautiful little Rachel. She is just so precious!
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