School

Back in January, I applied to grad school at the University of Utah. By the end of February/beginning of March, I still hadn't heard back from them, and I was starting to feel apprehensive about attending. Grad school meant a huge time commitment, an 80 mile commute round trip, and a not a lot of flexibility. I also got to looking at the some of the core classes that I had to take, namely economics and city law. That didn't sound like fun at all, especially since I almost broke down sobbing during my undergrad econ final.

So, I started looking more into UVU's graphic design program. I met with the head of the program, and it seemed like the perfect fit for me. I've always had a passion for graphic design, and it never occurred to me that a person could major in it until I was almost finished with my undergrad. After swallowing some pride (let's face it, grad school at the U is more prestigious and glamorous than getting a second bachelor's at UVU), I applied at Utah Valley University, and within a few days, I was accepted.

About that time, I got my acceptance letter from the University of Utah. I was so honored, and I started reconsidering and second-guessing my decision. After a long conversation with my mom, who is really good at seeing through my excuses and getting right to the core of matters, I decided that I had already worked hard in my undergrad, and going back to school should be fun, especially if I'm going right now. This is supposed to be an outlet, something therapeutics and not stressful. So, with a heavy, somewhat regretful heart, I turned down grad school at the U, and started preparing for classes at the UVU.

I just finished my first class, Photography 1, and I'm in the middle of a computer applications class that teaches the basics for Illustrator, Photoshop, and InDesign. The photography class met four days a week on the campus in Orem. Lea was so good to watch Michael for me all those mornings. I couldn't have done it without her.

One of the Photos I took for my class

Part of the push to go to school came because we had funding from Utah's IDA program, a program we got into about two years ago that matches our funds 3 to 1 to go towards a down payment on a first home, education, or starting a business. We were originally going to use half of it for a down payment, but we ended up closing before our year mark, so we decided to use it for education instead. The program paid for Brian's last semester of grad school, which was awesome. We have to use our funds by October of this year, which is why I decided to take classes again. 

The IDA program pays for tuition, as well as anything required on the syllabus, and since my photography class required a digital SLR camera, they paid for our new Canon T3i Rebel, as well as a memory card and external hard drive. The camera was a pain to get, since we had to order it through a college bookstore, and no college bookstore carries digital cameras. Thankfully, BYU Bookstore was able to order one for us, but due to issues with Canon, we didn't get our camera until the class was half-over! Thankfully, Lea was there, once again, to save the day, and let me borrow hers until mine came in.

Many people have asked me, "So, how do you like your class?" To answer that, I have to say that I really enjoyed learning about photography. I liked learning a new skill. I loved that my homework for the class involved doing things with Michael. But, I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would. I didn't enjoy being back in the undergrad scene. I would get annoyed that people weren't paying attention during lectures, I was annoyed that I had to see a counselor before I could register for classes, I didn't like writing a paper or taking a test. I also had a hard time being graded based on opinion, which is probably the biggest reason that I shied away from art back in college. I guess I really am a math person at heart.  


Mostly though, I had a hard time leaving Michael every morning.I felt really bad one morning when we went over to Lea's to help her make some Roman Shades, and Michael said to me as I was unbuckling him, "Don't go to class." I felt so bad, even though I know he loved spending all that time with Danny. I felt bad about the extra burden that Lea took on as well. 


The biggest lesson I learned this semester had little to do with photography. I learned that I really do want to be a stay-at-home mom. On occasion, I've had a hard time letting go of career ambitions, or feeling like I was losing a part of me by staying home to raise my kids. I've experienced all the guilt from all ends of the spectrum that most moms have faced at some point. And I realized that, even though being with Michael all the time is not always glamorous, and sometimes doesn't seem to require much brain power or intellect, this is EXACTLY where I want to be, and I'm so grateful that Brian has a job that allows me to stay home. I know so many moms who don't have that option, and I know I'm really blessed. I love the idea of being an amazing graphic designer, or receiving accolades on homes I've helped design. I love the idea of holding a masters' degree, or even a BFA in graphic design. But, when it comes down to it, I would rather be here, at the forefront of our Heavenly Father's plan, raising my son, teaching him, laughing with him, and eating pretend chocolates with him, than any of those things.  It finally hit me once again; I'm a mom, and this is where I want to be.

I keep thinking about what a friend and former boss of mine used to say a lot: "Don't get married young. Women change so much in between 20 and 30." (We both married at age 23, and had our first baby right away). I realized that she's right, but I don't think it was necessarily the age that did it to her, or to me. We changed because we became wives and then, shortly thereafter, became mothers--two huge life adjustments, no matter what age they come at. She's felt the need a lot to figure out who she is, and I have as well. But, from taking this class, I don't know, it just finally hit me that I really am doing what I want to be doing. I hope this makes some sense. I never feel like I'm any good at expressing myself through writing. I really do want to be a stay at home mom, full-time housekeeper, and designer extraordinaire for my family. Nothing has brought me greater satisfaction, and I'm finally going to just embrace that and run with it. Yes, I've changed since I was 20,  but I'm finally starting to figure out what I've changed to. And, I'm finally loving it. I'm sure I'll still feel those frustrated days, those guilty days, those "I'm a mind-less fool" days, but, for now, I'm glad to have yet another reminder about what I really want. 


So, long story short, I've really enjoyed learning about photography and the Adobe's creative suite, but I most likely will not be taking classes again anytime soon. Instead, I'm going to paint some more furniture, sew some shades/valances for my windows, eat some pretend chocolate with Michael, and get back into a housekeeping routine!