Pink Icing

Back in January, when I miscarried yet again, the nurse decided to check my progesterone levels along with my HCG levels. They came back at 1 when they were supposed to be at 20. Turns out, a woman's progesterone levels are what tells the uterus that there's a baby in there so it doesn't start a new cycle. My uterus didn't have enough progesterone to let it know not to flush out my baby. She said, "The next time you get pregnant, call us right away and we'll check your progesterone levels to see if that might be causing the problem." This gave Brian a TON of hope. It probably would have helped me more if I wasn't so...whatever I was. 

So, in May, after a positive pregnancy test, I called the doctor right away to get my levels checked. My progesterone came back at 3, again it should have been at 20. The nurse immediately prescribed me progesterone, and I took one pill a night until I reached 13 weeks, at which point, the baby's placenta started taking over production. 

Progesterone was pretty rotten, and did some funny things to me. I had to take it at night because it would make me super dizzy. I once went to the store to get some essentials for a trip after taking it, and the world immediately started spinning out from under me as soon as I walked through the door. I was worried someone would think I was high as I tried to get my things, check out, and drive home. I didn't attempt anything like that again after that. It was too scary. Sometimes, Brian would have to assist me to bed because everything was spinning so badly. It was funny when I was safely at home. Progesterone also made me even more tired and moody than I think I would have been otherwise, but apparently it worked, since I am now almost 21 weeks along. Looking back, I can say it was worth it, even though I wasn't completely convinced back then. 

Since we were concerned about another miscarriage, we went in for an ultrasound at 6 weeks. It was so refreshing to hear the heartbeat, something we haven't heard since Michael was in my belly. The baby was looking strong, but they noticed a small bleed that they wanted to monitor. They assured us that it was probably nothing, but they wanted to monitor it every two weeks until it went away. We weren't worried about the bleed at all; we were just grateful to have more peeks at our baby. At the 14 week ultrasound, they decided that everything looked great, and we didn't have another ultrasound until last week. 

Thankfully, my sister-in-law, Lara, lent me her Doppler so that I could check on the heartbeat whenever I started freaking out, which has happened a lot. I didn't like telling people I was pregnant because they would immediately say in a higher pitched voice, "YAY! Congratulations! I'm so happy for you!" which normally would be awesome, but I was feeling more nervous than excited, and I wanted people to acknowledge my apprehension instead of taking it for granted that just because I was pregnant, I would get a baby. For the record, I'm excited now, so I have no more problems with everyone being excited with me. In fact, I welcome it :)

Thankfully, Brian has been my rock to lean on. He's been worried right there with me, but he knew deep down that this time, it would be okay. He helped me through my frustrations, my constant whining about not feeling well, my tears, my fears.

When this year started, I thought it was going to be horrible. It started so badly with two major tragedies hitting our family all at once. I don't think I became too bitter about the whole thing, even though bitterness did crop up every now and then. I had no doubts that the Lord knew what He was doing, but I realized from my own experience and through watching the pain and disappointments of my friends and family members who were suffering from infertility and miscarriages that sometimes, despite all our prayers, faith, and fasting, babies just don't come, and it has nothing to do with our personal levels of righteousness. Sometimes, the Lord just allows biology to do its thing, but He's always there to watch over us when it happens. I'm normally a very positive person, but I guess this realization brought out a pessimistic realism out of me. Pregnancy does not always equal baby.

But, I also learned that miracles have not ceased. Modern science, specifically IVF and fertility pills, are miracles. This year, my sister-in-law gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, thanks to IVF. Another sister-in-law who has struggled and struggled is pregnant, due in November, and that is a huge miracle. These two events helped me to hope enough to try again. And another miracle happened, thanks to progesterone, I'm feeling positive that come January, we'll be welcoming a little girl into our family. And that's not even getting into the preservation from fire and flood that we've experienced this year.

When I look back on this year, I see how much the Lord has blessed our lives, and not just in regards to this baby. I feel so undeserving of what He has given us, but thankfully, as a good and wise friend once said to me, "the Lord doesn't always give us what we deserve." Our cup runneth over, so to speak, and a baby girl is just some pink icing on the cake!