Because It's June! (June, June June!)

I'm still in shock that it is August, and not June. I was extremely distracted in June, trying to prepare for our crazy July. I felt like I ran around in circles a lot because I was so overwhelmed trying to do all the prep work for July (where we basically put our lives on pause for a month). Between my distraction, I tried to slow down and take time to hang with the kids. Here are the things that didn't get their own post:

June 5: Celebrated National Donut Day with our neighbors! 

 June 8: A lazy day by the pool, reading The Count of Monte Cristo. And the day I got a really weird sunburn where I missed a piece of skin right under my knee with the sunscreen. You could see my sunscreen wipe marks on the edge of the burn. Totally worth it though. It was a good day.

 June 11: Another pool day:

 Rachel outlasted all the others. Like her mom, she is a water baby. She just loves playing in the water outside.

 In fact, after her nap, while I was finishing up dinner, she headed outside. At first, she was just jumping on the tramp, but the next thing I knew, she was headed for the pool. I ran to get a swim diaper and her swimsuit and catch her, but she got this far before I caught her:

 The white thing is her diaper down around her ankles. After dinner, she was back at it, and apparently wasn't sure which season to dress for:

 And while we were cleaning up, we squeezed in some silliness:

June 12: Michael and Rachel's morning shenanigans:

And family time later that night: 

 June 16th: A Laundry Day. Apparently, this is the most effective way to fold your laundry (as far as Michael's concerned):

Earlier that morning : 

((This is how I feel about laundry days.  I don't ever want these days to start!)

June 18th: As part of camping (July) preparations, I made coloring bags for Rachel and my nephews, as well as a tutorial so that Taryn and Chelsea could help me make some for the rest of the nieces and nephews. Here, Rachel is modeling hers. 

 We had many delicious moments like this on on June 22 where I caught Michael reading to Rachel. These moments make my heart so happy:

 Or ones like these from the same day:

 Or this one from June 25: Michael and Danny reading together:

 And then the crazy days where you look over and see scissors in your two-year-old's hands near her hair. And you realize you were too late to stop the fatal cutting of the bangs (June 26)

 On June 26, I also got to go to the temple with my friend Kirsten and witness her and her husband being sealed to their two adopted boys. It was a good way to spend time on the day the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage. It was a wonderful ceremony.

After the sealing, Brian and the kids met me in A.F. for dinner and then we headed to the airport to drop the car of for Kirt and Julie, who would be arriving late from Oregon that night. Traffic was horrible (rush hour + construction+weekend), and then I sat in the Park and Wait in the hot June evening with the windows down while Brian parked the pilot and walked my way.

 And right as we got to the airport, Julie texted saying their flight was delayed and "DO NOT TAKE THE CAR TO THE AIRPORT!" So, while Brian tried to figure out what was going on, Rachel and I baked in the car (I might have broken the "no-idling" rule like everyone else if we weren't almost out of gas. Michael was with Brian and waited like this:

We finally got it all sorted, left the car, and headed home. Traffic was better, but not ideal. And Kirt and Julie eventually made it home the next day. And now this story is kind of funny. 

 In June, I tried harder to soak in these moments with theses sweeties. Here we are in all our morning glory on June 27.

And we enjoyed this lazy morning while Brian was running his 5K, because that's the kind of support team we are:

Brian was really happy with his race and he raced in honor of Trevor, even though he didn't ever put his name on his bib. 

Brian got the week leading up to the 4th of July off (thank for doing this every year for everyone, Adobe!) We knew that once July 1st hit, we would be so busy with the UAM trip that we wouldn't have time for these kids. So, on June 29, we took them swimming in Lehi. Lea's crew and Lara's crew joined us. It was a blast and we took no pictures. Rachel loved the waterslide, giggling the whole way down and heading back up the stairs to the top as soon as we finished.

In June, we tried our first chore chart with Michael. We all worked hard to do chores first thing so that we could go see Inside Out at the end of the month. He worked hard at it; he was really good at doing his chores first thing in the morning. On June 30, we took the kids to Inside Out. It was really, really good--it made me laugh, and it made me cry. And it was a blast going with this crew:

So that was our crazy June. Still can't believe it's August.

Concerts in the Park

Sundays in June mean Concerts in the Park with the Utah Premier Brass and our favorite director: Dr. Kirt Saville, aka Dad and Papa. We went to two concerts in June--one on June 14th and June 28th. The first time, it was just us and Nana. The second time, we had Lea, Hunter, Danny, Lara, and Julia join us. 

 Kirt wasn't feeling 100%, so Brian led the children's march both times we were there:

These kids were so cute together, dancing to the music. Rachel loved having a girl cousin visit! 

Hoagle Zoo

On June 24, 2015, we went to the Hoagle Zoo with my friend Jessica and her kiddos.  I hadn't been to Hoagle Zoo since I was a kid, so it was fun to be back. Right in the gate, we got to see and touch a tortoise. 

 There were life-size machine dinosaurs all over the park, so it was a lot of fun.

 And there were animal statues to climb on: 

 The kids loved this otter swimming back and forth in front of them. So much giggling and excitement

 I felt so bad for this polar bear. It was so hot that day and this is the one exhibit in the zoo where I felt like they didn't even try to make the animal comfortable. He had hardly any shade and was pacing back and forth, trying to find a way out. I found myself wanting to do something for him--and I'm not usually the type of person to get all riled up at zoos. He just looked so miserable! Utah is NOT his native climate, and he didn't even have cool water to jump into. Poor, poor polar bear.

 More dinosaurs:

 And we love new pint-size friends:

 And we got to ride the train and the carousel, which were the highlights of the trip for Rachel.

I loved getting to hang out with my friend. Next time though, we need to get together sans kids. We might actually get to talk more. Thanks for taking us to the Zoo, Jess! We loved it!

Father's Day

Brian treated me to such an amazing Mother's Day that I wanted to return the favor. A friend of mine's husband gets regular pedicures. He sees it as a health thing. But it gave me the idea that Brian might like a pedicure. He's constantly fussing over his feet--much more so than I do. He also enjoys massage chairs more than me as well. So, I felt out the waters weeks before to see what he'd think about it. He hesitantly said he thought he might like it. The Friday before Father's Day, Lea kindly agreed to watch our kids and we took a day date. We went to lunch, did a little shopping, and then I took him to get his first pedicure. 

 I knew he wouldn't do it if I didn't do it with him. The sacrifices I must make.

 They did not paint his toes, in case you were wondering, and apparently lots of men are getting pedicures these days.

 The kids made Brian cards and each gave him a Google Play gift card so he could buy music.

Brian's dad went to Oregon for the week, so we had a nice, quiet Fathers' Day at our house. I think I made him a yummy dinner, but I can't remember. The kids had some fun posing for pictures with him, each taking a turn wearing his glasses:

Happy Father's Day to the 4 must amazing men in my life: To Kirt, my amazing Father-in-law who treats me like one of his own and spoiled me rotten. He also taught his son how to serve and love a wife by being an amazing example. He's also a terrific grandpa to my kids, and I'm so grateful to have him close. To my Grandpa, who was always there, just around the corner. He showed me the value of hard work and up-cycling. I also think he passed on some of his resourcefulness to me. (And passed on a great love of popcorn to my mom and to me) To my husband, Brian, who is the best father I could ask for my children. He's my partner in crime and my co-captain for Team Saville. And to my dad. He has sacrificed so much for me over the years. He taught me how to play sports--he was my first coach, but still supported me when I wanted to dance or sing/act in plays instead. He paced the 50 yard line during my 1600 m races in track. He taught me the value of a his education. He believes I can do anything. He's an amazing grandpa to my kids. Thank you for being in my life. I love you all so much!

Like Mother, Like Daughter

So there we were, Sunday morning (June 7). I showered and got dressed for church, picking out my purple dress and white cardigan.

Fast forward an hour or two. We give Rachel a bath. I dress her in her purple dress and white cardigan because she hadn't worn it for awhile. And purple is her favorite color, just like it is mine. And then Brian pointed out that we matched. So, after church, we HAD to take pictures

 And play a little in the front yard:

 And Michael wanted in on the picture taking, so we kindly included him.

I love being the mom to these two kids. 

Live For Today and Never Give Up

On Friday, May 29, I woke to the sound of a text message notification on my phone. And I knew. Rushing and hesitating all at once, I opened up the message and read,

"This morning, just as the birds began to sing, Trevor ran home to our heavenly father. We love you all."--Chelsi Linderman.

I clumsily replied with, "We love you. I'm so sorry."

Today, almost two months later, I'm still not sure how to say everything that I want to say. I don't know how to write this post, and in some ways, I've been putting it off. How can one blog post possibly articulate all the feelings and thoughts that have been on my mind since that May morning?

I cried. I gave up on any expectations or plans that I had for the day. My beautiful friend with 2 little babies the same age as mine was now a widow, living my worst nightmare. My heart broke for her. My heart felt relief for him--he'd suffered so much for so long. I felt regret--why didn't I try harder to get over to their house and say goodbye? My faith washed over me, and I re-evaluated it once again. Do I really believe in a resurrection? Do I really believe that families are forever? Do I really believe that this isn't the end? When the answers to all those questions came in the affirmative, I was grateful for the reminder of what this life is really about. And I knew I needed to spend the day with my little family and not let anything get in the way.

I pulled myself together and went for a walk. Not too long after I started, I looked down at the stroller I was pushing and thought about their sweet boy who hadn't even reached his second birthday before he lost his daddy, and I melted into a puddle of tears there on the sidewalk next to Redwood Road.

 I had two goals: give Chelsi a hug and spend quality, un-distracted time with my kids. After getting us all dressed and in the car, we headed to Target to put together a care package. It was so hard. What do you get for the little girl that just lost her dad that can somehow make things all better. The answer? You can't.

 After Target, we drove to their house and awkwardly approached the door. The kids had just left. Chelsi was just about to leave for the funeral home, and she apologized to me for that. I gave her a hug and told her I wasn't there to be a burden; I just wanted to give her a hug, let her know we cared, and then get out of the way. So that's what we did.

Following the Linderman's blog slogan to "Live for Today", we met Brian for dinner and then went bowling. It was Rachel's first time bowling, and she was adorable.

 Rachel totally stomped all of us. Here's the scores (The first M is Michael, the second is me). I know, embarrassing. But, it usually takes me a game to warm up and figure out how to bowl again, and we only played one game. I'm just happy I beat Michael this time.

 I love seeing bowling shoes this small. It just kills me with how cute they are!

 After bowling, we went for frozen yogurt.

 Michael was so sweet to me when he'd see the tears in my eyes. He'd look concerned, smile at me, give me a hug.

I felt a little guilty--here I was with my whole world, eating ice cream, and  knowing that someone else's was painfully shattered.

The next week was a little rough. I had lots of things to be working on, but had problems focusing. I accomplished very little. Brian said I was pretty distracted, and he didn't know how to help. (This distraction lingered through most of June as well).

Thursday night was the viewing. I had arranged with Chelsi to come pick up her kids right at the beginning. She was worried it would be a long night, and the kids needed a distraction. I took the kids to the viewing so they could pay their respects and learn about being their for friends.

There is something sacred, tragic,  and beautiful about funerals. I was in awe at the grace and poise of my newly widowed friend as she stood next to her husband, all in elegant black and wearing her signature heels. Her hair was up in an elegant bun. She looked positively regal. I knew she had cried recently; her eyes held traces of tears, but for that moment, she was held beautifully together, offering comfort to those seeking to give her comfort. I stood in amazement and admiration of her--not for the first time, and definitely not the last.

Miss I wanted to show Michael the slideshow of her dad. I told her to just let me know when she was ready to go. Michael sat by Miss I and they watched. And then we left. Their nanny drove them to our house and I showed them our castle. Later, all four kids went out and jumped on our tramp, still in their church clothes. I watched them from my dining room, my heart taking a picture while I considered the privilege it was to have them with us that night. And then they left.

The next morning, Brian took work off. We dropped the kids off at Lea's and headed to the viewing and funeral. It was raining, which seemed appropriate. By the time the funeral started, though, the skies had cleared and it was a beautiful late morning. The funeral was held outside in the funeral home gardens. We stood as the procession came down from the funeral home. The pall bearers brought down the coffin and right behind the coffin came Chelsi, once again graceful, elegant, and all in black holding those two sweet children in her arms.

The services were beautiful. We laughed. We cried. We honored this amazing man, and I wished once again that I had known him better. Chelsi gave a talk, at the request of Trevor before he passed, and we all stood in awe that she could hold herself together to give such an eloquent tribute.

Their slogan for his fight was "Never Give Up." At the funeral and in the months since, I've reflected a little on what that really means. I think initially, it meant not giving up hope that he could beat his cancer. Yet, cancer seemingly won. Or did it? Perhaps Trevor's fight wasn't really against cancer. His fight was the one all of us face, the true fight of faith. Will we still have faith in the Savior and in God's plan for us, even if things go horribly, despairingly not the way we want them to go? Come what may, will we still love Him and trust Him? Will we trust that He has a greater plan for us than the fragmented one we put together for ourselves? If He calls our precious loved ones home before we're ready to let them go, will we still love Him? Will we be faithful to the end?

Trevor was. He fought to the end, he fought the good fight, and he fulfilled his mission in mortality, and he won the fight against cancer because he never allowed it to crush his soul.

After the funeral, I posted this on Facebook: 

A thousand thoughts have come to me today as I have contemplated this man's life and those he loves, but the one that comes back the most is one of gratitude for a Savior who triumphed over death, making the words "The End" have no meaning. This is not the end, and I'm looking forward to a game night with Trevor, Chelsi, and Brian in the next life since we never got that chance in this one. And in the meantime, I promise to help look out for your little family until you are united again.

I hope I can live my life in a way that matters the way Trevor did. To echo the words and lives of this beautiful family, live for today and never give up.